An Uncomplicated Life Blog: Mommy Monday: Gratefulness

Monday, March 9, 2015

Mommy Monday: Gratefulness

I struggle with how to start this post.

Last week, a friend's husband committed suicide. Out of the blue. Shocked everyone. Their first child, a daughter, is only 12 weeks old.



After I heard the news and picked my jaw up from the floor, it brought back all kinds of feelings. After Henry was born, and I was deep in the fog of hormonal changes and a nasty case of the baby blues, I had griping fear. Fear that something would happen to my husband while he was traveling for work, and I'd be left to not only raise Henry by myself, but I'd also be left without an income.

This wasn't just a typical worry or a passing thought as my husband left for business trips. This was a looming sense of doom that hung over me for days before he left. I would shake in fear for his well-being in bed in the mornings before his flight would take off.

"What on earth will I do if I lose him?! How will I pay the bills? Who will help me with Henry? Who will teach Henry things a mother can't teach a son?"

These questions cycled through my head for the first three or so months of Henry's life.

In my irrational fear of impending doom, I never considered suicide. I only thought about plane crashes and car wrecks. Never once did my hormonal mind venture to consider suicide.

I suppose I thought I'd be able to tell if Kirk wasn't happy, or there was something deeply awry with his mental state. But that isn't always the case. Mental illness is a tricky, complex beast. Some are very private with their emotions, and can lead seemingly normal lives while trapped in the deepest, darkest hell of their own minds.


Learning to manage my fear after Henry was born

Kirk was away on business when I heard the news about my friend's husband. And all those fears of death and the confusion of "what I would do?" came back, full force, with the added element of suicide. "What would I do if my husband killed himself? It wasn't a natural accident, but he actually killed himself and left me and Henry on our own?"

I was saved from having to answer that question. I was spared from having to answer any of my darkest questions, or confront any of my deep-seeded fears. And I am so extremely grateful for that. Hug your loved ones a little tighter and kiss them a little longer tonight.




10 comments:

  1. I love this post and I love you.
    I struggle with the fear of "what if", too. Pretty badly, sometimes.
    I always worry about the well-being of John, even though he rarely travels without me. It's an overwhelming thought.

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  2. Oh my gosh - I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss...that is just tragic! I dont have any children, but I have those fears out of the blue too - sometimes they are almost debilitating, but I seriously just try to shake them out of my head! You have done such a wonderful job being honest with all your thoughts and feelings...xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

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  3. Oh my goodness Paige. I am so sorry. That is so shocking, and I cannot imagine how she must be feeling.
    I have had fears like that before, and I imagine I will have them when I have kids. I wish we didn't have these thoughts and things like this didn't happen.. but they do, and all we can do is what you said - be grateful, hug our loved ones a little tighter.

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  4. I'm so so sorry for your friend's loss and yours. When I lost my friend in January it hit me hard just how confusing it can leave you feeling about literally everything. I have no babies of my own but I often struggle with the thought of what if some sort of accident happened before my husband and I had kids. Then I would just have to somehow hold on to the energy of a just a memory, which is of course possible, but hard. I will be sending lots of good energy and love and prayers and goodness your way and out to your friend too. Thanks for sharing today. xx

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  5. I can't even imagine what your friend is going through Paige. How tragic. I have had the same fears as you since my hubby travels for work a lot as well. He left for 2 weeks when A was 7 weeks old and it was so hard! But I feel so blessed to have such a loving, supportive hubby. And sounds like you do as well.

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  6. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. You're definitely right. Mental health is an incredibly complex thing. People don't talk about it because they don't know what to do, or they fear saying the wrong thing, or they think that no one will care. It's such a difficult topic. I very much hope that your friend finds whatever peace she can for herself and her little one. Sending good thoughts your way... =)

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  7. My heart goes out to you and your friend, Paige. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my husband, especially with a newborn and the knowledge that he chose to take his own life. Mental illness is a very scary but very, very real thing that takes way too many lives. Thanks for having the courage to share your story and talk about such a hard topic.

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  8. wow. I cant imagine getting that call when you found out. My heart would be broken. My prayers are with you and your friends family. Sophia turned 12 weeks yesterday, and I just cant imagine if I was in that situation.

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  9. My heart goes out to your friend. Thank you for this compassionate post.

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  10. That is absolutely tragic. I can't even put into words how your friend must feel. I get like that sometimes about thinking about the worst case scenario of things especially if I could have hypothetically caused it "I shouldn't book my flight that early what if they are super tired picking me up and something happens". How did you move past all your thoughts about Kirk traveling? Did they just get better as Henry got older and things were okay? <3 you thank you for this post!

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