Bloggers usually only put their best foot forward. Here's the REAL me.
Oh hey, it's been a minute since I've done some quirky fact post. I love reading them on other sites! So I'm taking a step back (or down. Or down and back) to talk about some of the not so known, not so glamorous things about myself that you never see on my blog, or my Instagram, but quite possibly my snapchat... Let's begin, shall we? Here's the REAL me, including my favorite selfies off Instagram (because ummmmmm I really don't know how else to add pics to this post beyond snapping a whole bunch more selfies and I don't wanna wear makeup just for THAT):
- I honestly, truly, NEVER eat fast food.
I mean, mostly. Two exceptions: There's a burger joint in east Dallas called Jake's and Y'ALL. They have amazing poppy seed buns and even better? You can get a 6-pack with your order in the drive thru. Mind = blown. God Bless you, Texas. Two birds, meet your one stone...
Today's #fridayintroductions is all about five random facts. Here goes, in no particular order: 1️⃣ I'm a vegetarian who eats cheeseburgers and chick-fil-a 2️⃣ jk about being a vegetarian, I just like the way it sounds. But I do like veggies 3️⃣ I had 2 kids in 1.5 years and it's as crazy as it sounds 4️⃣ I'm a Northerner turned Southerner and never want to see winter again 5️⃣ I trained to be a yoga instructor but never taught an official (i.e., paid) class. What are some random facts about you?! #momblogger #blogger
Also, Chick-fil-a. Because I can't turn down a fried chicken sammy with pickles on it. And in Texas, the drive thru is two lanes at Chick-fil-a and it takes like 2 mins to go from the back of the line (which starts like a block away at lunch time) to having my fried chicken and pickles in my hand. Otto doesn't even have time to realize the car has stopped moving to begin screaming and that's about as amazing as the Miracle of Christmas.
- I've never lost a bar fight.
Uhhhhh, yup, I've been in one. Three, actually. Don't let those spring ruffles fool you! Now don't get all hot in the face, I don't condone violence. But if you're drunk and making your drunk problems MY problems, we have a problem. The last one I was ever in I was 28 (marriage and mommy-dom has made me adult like an adulting champ, and no - it's not hard, despite what that stupid graphic tee shirt says). I was in Dewey Beach, DE. Random, no? Like, I forget that Delaware is even a state most days...
Anyway, I'm with the girls, listening to a band and a non-squad girl kept falling into me. She was trying to holler at this dude, or he was trying to holler at her or it was a mutual holler situation - it's hard to say. The first time she fell into me, I looked at her and waited for an apology I didn't get. The second time, I said, "Excuse you." The third, I turned around and said, "I think you've had too many Orange Crushes, sweetheart" to which her reply contained a four letter word and a very slow, very poor attempt at a swing. I stood about a foot taller than her, so I held my hand on her forehead and waited for the punch from her stubby arm that never reached me. Then I pushed her away from me... And I either have superhuman strength (possible) or she was like a drunk, stumbling Bambi (probable), but y'all that girl flew like 5 feet. To which holler-dude laughed (rude) and my squad and I relocated to avoid further altercations with Drunk Bambi.
Moral? If you're only 5 feet tall and it's really questionable how you got into the bar in the first place, don't step to a woman who's got a foot on you and is on her first drink. Respect your elders. And pro-tip: switch to water at that point. Tomorrow won't be kind to you.
- I truly only do shower twice to three times a week. And I take 4-5 yoga classes. You do the math.
Yeah, I'm usually pretty gross. Sometimes I check my underarms to see if it'll pass enough to be sleeveless in yoga... Don't act like you've never done it! Oh, wait, you really haven't? Just me? Oh well. At least I care enough to look, right!? Right? No? Hmmmm. Anyway, I was flawless before kids! Makeup everyday, hair curled, heels on. I don't know where that Paige went but I think my husband sent out a search party for her. I hear she'll consider a comeback with a full time nanny, so I just need to pass that info along to the search team to consider for all the "Reward! Lost
Just kidding, I'm not a fugitive. But I do have unpaid tolls in Oklahoma (WHY DO THEIR TOLLS ONLY ALLOW FOR EXACT CHANGE/CASH AIN'T NOBODY GOT 85 CENTS ON THEM AT LEAST MAKE IT 75 CENTS BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE THREE QUARTERS BUT PROBABLY NOT ALSO IF YOU REALLY WANT 85 CENTS PUT A GATE WITH AN ARM TO STOP MY CAR BECAUSE I ACCELERATED STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT LIKE BYE FELICIA WITH YOUR STUPID COIN DROP TOLL HONOR SYSTEM FROM 1961 I HAVE NO HONOR BUT MOSTLY I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE) Maybe there really is a warrant for my arrest there. Long hair, Oklahoma, nope don't care.
Except I do kinda care. Kinda. Sorry about that 85 cents you never got, Oklahoma.
And that's the REAL me, friends. I'll stop while I'm ahead, if you're still reading this, so I can slowly trickle out more realness in a future post. Which based on my last one, might be a full year from now... Unless some really good realness happens that I just can't wait to