What I Learned Postpartum From Twins

Reflections on life changes immediately after delivering twins

There's so much anticipation leading up to delivering a baby. Or two babies. The last stages of pregnancy are hard physically and emotionally. With multiples, odds are extremely high that you'll be on bed rest, attempting to get every last minute you can keeping those babies gestating, as most twins are delivered at 35 weeks. Then in a blink of an eye, you deliver them and boom! You're officially in the postpartum stage. In my opinion, no matter how hard your pregnancy was or wasn't, the three months immediately after delivering the baby/babies is far more challenging. Exponentially so. If you're a first time mom, there is no book you can read or class you can take to prepare you for it. If you're a second or more time mom, odds are good you've forgotten what it's *really* like (funny how that happens... It's natures way of getting us to keep reproducing, I swear!) If you're like me and expecting or recovering from having multiples, you're in for a whole new level of postpartum chaos! (I wanted to use the word hell there, but thought that was a little strong for an introductory paragraph. But it's hell. Postpartum is hell.) Twins magnify the postpartum chaos/hell exponentially, too. Here's what I learned, postpartum from twins:

Me sleeping with Knox in the bed; hubby holding Teddy

- I need more alone time than ever before and it needs to be made a priority

This one is hard because at no time in my life was I more needed... Around the clock! And that's probably why I discovered myself needing away and alone time. Clearly that couldn't happen every day, but if I could escape for a lunch by myself, or some work time at a coffee shop even twice a week, I was not only a much happier person, I was a better mom when I was with my kids. The constantly being needed, touched, spit up on, and caring for children made me NEED time away to sit in silence or have a complete, uninterrupted thought.

To this end, I think the older I get, the more I'm transitioning to an introvert. I was an extreme extrovert in my 20s. I loved and was energized by people. Now, I'm down to a 50/50 split - I love to socialize and do indeed get depressed when I haven't filled our social calendar with enough events, but I'm also drained when I'm constantly around people (yes, even little people like my kids). Peace and quiet is absolutely glorious. After four kids, mom life has completely sunk in and I absolutely relish any alone time I can find. Any time I'm not being touched or my name being called or refereeing a fight or bouncing a baby on my knee is precious, precious time.

- Don't fight your spouse. You NEED your spouse
When I finally started getting out of the house again after birthing twins, or finally invited some friends over to see/hold the babies, the constant question I got was, "So, do you want to kill your husband?!" And my answer was no. Nope. Not at all! My husband was my most helpful assistant after we had the twins. Not only was he entirely hands on, he also understood all my ticks and annoyances, so he was helpful in a way that wasn't obnoxious/draining/actually resulting in more work for me - he was simply helpful. With twins, your spouse is your co-pilot. Y'all are on the same team, working towards the same goals. So don't fight your spouse! Figure out how you're going to teamwork it all out.

It's hard, I know. After our first baby we didn't fight because it was just one baby and in hindsight, one child is SO EASY! After four kids, I want to punch one-baby-Paige in the face for thinking it was so hard! But after our second, we fought constantly. I truly think it's because with two, it's all hands on deck and he had to make some of the same sacrifices I had to make after one baby: no more 45 minute showers, eat a [cold] meal in under 10 minutes (maybe even five), get ready for the day with children hanging off of you, and so on. We were already at that level of understanding when we had the twins, and also had some marriage counseling to help our communication skills to boot, so shockingly, the twins were a relatively easy transition for our marriage. We had already solidified as a parenting team. If we had started with twins though... I honestly might be singing an entirely different tune as a single mom. If you're a first time parent expecting twins, my best advice for you is to get a really good marriage counselor and see him or her often. I'm totally serious. The demands of twins on unprepared parents *could* completely ruin you, and the odds are strong that you'll need outside help so that you don't fight your spouse... Constantly.

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- Enjoy whatever moments you can
Sleep deprivation is real with a new baby, but times it by about 100 with twins. Again, I'm not kidding. In the early weeks, one baby would go down to bed well and the other wouldn't. He'd stay up until the next feed. Then they'd trade, and the sleeping baby would be up while the formerly feisty one would fall asleep. There was more than a few nights where this went on ALL NIGHT LONG. Quite literally, zero chances for sleep at night. That makes enjoying your newborn really difficult, especially if you're like me and have other kids to care for during the day (so no naps for you!).

I resolved to get through this truly awful season of sleep-deprived-life by enjoying picking out the boys' outfits and dressing them alike. Yes, they were my third and fourth babies of the same gender, but I found myself buying tons of matching outfits, and really enjoying seeing them together, dressed alike. Also, it made it impossible for my husband, nanny and mom to tell them apart, which I got a kick out of! I know my husband enjoyed putting the twins in the stroller and having the older boys on their bikes, and going for walks in the neighborhood. This served a dual purpose, because I was then able to get 30 minutes of peace while they were out walking. Whatever it is that brings you joy, find it and plan it daily. Even if it's as trivial as an outfit. In those hard early days, having something to look forward to is essential. It does get easier (like when they get on the same sleep schedule! When they start to smile and coo at you!) but in those first few weeks postpartum, you've got to take whatever bright spots you can and hold on to them to get through.

Matchy matchy 3 month old twins

- It is a season, and this too shall pass
So cliche. But it's true. Sometimes, at 2am when you've been rocking and nursing babies for 12 hours straight and you'd literally cut off your baby toe to go to bed, it feels like it will never end. That you'll be in postpartum hell forever. That you'll never get a spare minute again, never get a hot shower and never sleep. But you will! You will. For us, we turned a huge corner at 10 weeks when the twins started to get regular chiropractor adjustments. That helped their gas issue almost entirely go away, which meant they weren't as fussy in the evenings and when they went down for naps. By 12 weeks, we were getting them to bed in 2 hours or less (instead of staying up with them until 2am, alternating which baby was awake!) By 3 months, we were in a pretty solid routine with consistent daytime naps and a concrete bedtime routine.

When I was a first time mom, I had pretty severe postpartum depression (PPD) and a big part of that was this massive feeling of doom, that the hard season would never end. That this was just what my life would be like now, and it was a sucky life at that. But it passes! It does get easier, even if you have twins. Yes, new challenges arise, but nothing (in my opinion) is as hard as those first three chaotic, hellish months postpartum.

The "4th trimester" is so hard because it's a huge learning curve. You're learning about being a parent, you're learning about the particular baby (yes, they're all different, even if you're having twins! My twins have nearly opposite personalities), and the baby is learning about you and the world around him. That makes the postpartum period HARD. With twins, it's insanely hard. There's essentially two learning curves taking place simultaneously, which is immensely stressful. I've learned things about myself and life in general after all of my children, but quite possibly my biggest postpartum period for growth and learning was after I had twins. 

Essential Oils For Emotional Support

If you're in a challenging season of life, use essential oils to support your emotions. They work!

Last October, I birthed two humans. Then we jumped right into the holiday season, that if you read this post, you'd know didn't go as I thought it would. It turns out, when you're sleep deprived and caring for two infants and two toddlers, you're almost 100% drained, all the time. I'm happy to report that I'm no longer ran that ragged; things have gotten much better! But there was a period of about three months were I was hanging on by a mere thread. Perhaps you're in a challenging season of life, or perhaps you're battling the winter blues. Whether you need to be uplifted or grounded or just outright cheered up, essential oils do wonders for emotional support. Aromatherapy is a powerful force. Here are some of my favorite essential oils and blends to use for emotional support.

First, the essential oils! Revive oils are my new go-to. Yup, I used to be with Young Living, but the expense of those oils were insane. I asked some of my oily gurus who they got their oils from and learned about Revive. They're therapeutic grade, indigestible essential oils that are NOT a multi-level-marketing structure. You can go on their website and buy them like you'd buy something on Amazon - no need to sign up for some membership! They have packages with diffusers and single essential oils, plus roller bottles and other lifestyle items. Use code Paige10 for 10% off your order and experience the same quality of Young Living or doTERRA without the obnoxious price (and minus the sales people always trying to get you to buy things...)

Mood brightener
Some of the "happiest" scents are citrus and florals. Citrus Delight is a Revive blend of several citrus oils, vanilla and mint. It's one of my favorite to diffuse to blast the house with a happy smell! I'm also a big fan of lemon, peppermint and rosemary. In fact, that was my go-to blend after we cleared out all the holiday decorations, and I wanted to get my home smelling fresh, bright and cheery again. Several friends commented that my home "smelled like a spa" with that blend in the diffuser! If you're more of a floral lover, Ylang Ylang is a great oil to diffuse. When I can tell I'm in a bad mood due to hormones, I like to diffuse Ylang Ylang with clary sage to bust up all that moody estrogen.

Grounding
Feeling overwhelmed? Like you or an element in your life is out of your control? Odds are you need some grounding support. For this, I love earthy smells. Patchouli, rosemary, eucalyptus, frankincense and clary sage are all great when you just need to fee reconnected - to yourself, the earth, whatever that may be. Lavender and patchouli is one of my all time favorites that's nearly always in my diffuser in our master bedroom. Eucalyptus and a citrus oil is a great, refreshing way to get grounded. Try it with lime or grapefruit for something unexpected. Clary sage is one of my favorite smells to diffuse just on it's own (or add a floral element like Ylang Ylang like I suggested above). Rosemary is extremely versatile with it's lightly woody, herbal scent. Rosemary and peppermint in the summer is earthy, grounding and cooling.

Relaxation
If you're in need of a few deep breaths, make them count with breathing in some relaxing scents for added relaxation benefits. Lavender is the queen of all the relaxing, calming smells. It's one of my most used oils, because it blends so well with other scents, and of course, is excellent on it's own too. Revives's Zen (think Young Living's Peace and Calming) is probably my favorite blend that they make. I have it diffusing regularly in my office and usually wear it as a perfume, too.

Energizing
Traditionally "cool" oils work well to energize you. What are cool oils? Anything in the peppermint, spearmint, wintergreen or general mint category. Grapefruit or lime and spearmint is one of my favorite blends when I'm riding in the front row of the energy struggle bus. Orange and wintergreen is really a bright, energizing blend (be sure not to add too much wintergreen, as that will overpower the citrus).

*If you're interested in buying any of the oils linked above, don't forget to use code PAIGE10 at checkout for 10% off your order! As always, orders ship free for the US and Canada.

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Essential oils have so many useful qualities and benefits. One of my favorite is supporting my emotions when I'm being especially challenged, whether it's just a hard season of life, or I'm going through something hard on the short term, or even if it happens to simply be a long, hard day with fussy kids. Essential oils are here to support your mental and emotional wellness! Use these blends in your diffuser or wear them on your body when you need extra help feeling like a sane, normal, energized person.

Scheduling vs. "On Demand" With An Infant

As a mom of four, I've done both methods for feedings and naps. The more experienced I get, the more my opinions on the effectiveness of these methods change!

I have parented ALL the different ways. All of them, I swear. Before I had kids, I thought that "on demand" everything was the way to go. It made sense to me - just watch for your baby's cues to lead the way. It was utterly miserable! I swung the pendulum the other way and started to schedule. Low and behold, my first baby started sleeping! When I had a second, he slept through the night by 9 weeks old. I thought, "Yes! This scheduling is the answer! Anyone who doesn't do this is nuts!" But then my second child and I lost our breastfeeding relationship because his feeds were too scheduled. With the birth of my twins, and the utter chaos two infants plus two toddlers brings, I had to navigate the schedule vs on demand debacle fast in order to bring some peace and calm into my family. I've found the answer for us in the great scheduling vs. on demand debate!

First, some more details on the background of my parenting style that has led me to my conclusion. Henry (my first baby) was 100% on demand for the first 9-10 months of his life. That means he didn't have set feeding times, didn't have set nap times, and had no bedtime routine. And like I mentioned, it was miserable! He'd want to nurse every hour and a half, around the clock. That was something I just wasn't prepared for as a first time mom. Some nights he'd go to bed at 10pm after taking a cat nap in our arms on the couch as we watched TV. Nearly every day I cried because he wouldn't nap and I couldn't get anything done around the house or for myself.  It was HARD.

At 9-10 months we moved into our current home and started putting him to bed at a consistent time, both for naps and for nighttime sleep. That led to him sleeping through the night consistently. I quickly learned, hey - consistent sleep makes me a happy person! Even if I had to leave something early to make the nap happen, or schedule my appointments around nap time, it was worth it. To this day, we have super early dinners when we eat out in order to be home for a consistent 7pm bedtime!

I was sold on the schedule. My second son was born, and we got him on a schedule immediately! By 9 weeks, he was sleeping 12 hours at night. "Yes!" I thought. "Schedule schedule schedule. This is amazing. Why don't all people schedule? If you're complaining about being tired, put your kid on a dang schedule!" And while it was great, something not so great happened. Breastfeeding got all kinds of off. The easiest way to schedule Otto's feedings was to pump bottles for him. That way I could regulate how much he was getting and how often. So I'd pump during the day, and try to nurse him at night... But he developed bottle preference. When you're not latching a baby to your breast, to have to pump consistently and often to maintain a supply because a baby is better at extracting the milk than a pump. I became a slave to my breast pump and hated it (pumping moms, my hat is off to you!) So at just over 7 months, I let breastfeeding go, even though I had hoped to make it a year.

When we found out we were having twins, everyone said the same thing: The key to twins is getting them on the same schedule! "Don't worry, I'm already a schedule fan!" I'd reply. I lined up a night nurse who is also a sleep trainer to help us get the boys on track as fast as possible. Again, I knew I'd breastfeed but didn't make a goal for how long. I'd never nursed two babies before! I just wanted to try it, and to get my kids on the same page ASAP.

The night nurse laid out a schedule for us to adhere to. It was roughly the same one she gave us for Otto - the same one we had to tweak a little to fit our family needs. We tweaked hers too, to fit the needs of our day and meet our capabilities. Even so... I found myself constantly stressed out that one baby was perfectly on schedule and the other wasn't. I found myself annoyed that I had to wake them from naps to keep them on the schedule. I was angry at being told when I could and couldn't (or shouldn't) nurse the babies, and to definitely NOT let them comfort nurse. Comfort nursing ruins schedules, I was told. The schedule that I loved so much with Henry and Otto was becoming my biggest source of stress.

After 6 or 7 weeks of trying to get the boys on this schedule, and constantly being frazzled at their lack of ability to get on it (or rather, to get on it at the same time/together) I thought, you know what? This schedule is doing me more harm than good! I'm spending an entire "nap time" trying to get one baby down, and by the time he sleeps it's time to wake them both up again. Then they're crabby from lack of sleep and I'm crabby because I've not gotten anything done. My whole day is consumed by this stupid schedule enforcing that's just not working for the boys, and it's certainly not working for me!

Knox punching Theodore in the face... Just like I wanted to punch our schedule in the face

Right then I decided to try something different. Instead of being on a strict schedule, I decided to go more with the flow. If one baby slept and the other was awake, the awake one would be out in the living room with me. I stopped waking sleeping babies up and let them sleep until they woke naturally. If one baby was fussy, he'd get an extra nursing session in, even if it wasn't the full three hours between feedings (three hours minimum, as dictated by the schedule!) I breathed a big sigh of relief since I no longer had to spend all my time frantically getting two individual babies on the exact same schedule.

You know what happened? I kid you not, my babies got on a better schedule! Not the one given to us by the night nurse/sleep trainer, but their own schedule. Heck, I don't even like that word anymore - they got on their own daily flow, their own consistent rhythm. One that includes both morning and afternoon naps, and works with preschool pick up and drop off.

Things aren't perfect yet. "Unscheduling" didn't magically fix all the ways that they're still young babies. They're still hard to put down for bedtime. Sometimes we can spend hours upon hours rocking them to sleep, trying to get them to calm down for bed. But, we've gotten in a groove with them during the day, and that's half the battle! Some days one baby gets several more nursing sessions than the other, too. I don't know - I've stopped paying attention to numbers, ounces, minutes spent on the breast and just picked up whoever was fussing to nurse. It's much easier this way!

So what's my take on the best way to raise babies/toddlers after having four children? I think a STRUCTURED day is essential, but a strict schedule is nonsense. The only thing we're strict about is a 7pm bedtime (that, if you read the above paragraph, is still a work in progress with the twins). Other than that, we follow a certain structure, with lots of room for deviations from the structure.

In my experience, I've found that if you've got one child, a schedule is easy to implement. If you're bottle feeding (breast milk or formula) a schedule is much easier to implement. But the more kids you have and the longer you want to breast feed them, the less a strict schedule makes sense. With twins, a hardcore schedule is just laughable because you've got two separate humans you're attempting to get on the same page, usually at a very young age. The schedule itself can become more stressful than dealing with the infants!

Don't be like me and let scheduling your infant(s) stress you out. Don't let it be the dictator of your day. Lighten up a little bit and allow room for deviations. Kicking our strict schedule to the curb was one of the best things I've done as a parent to twins so far. One of my babies is easier and the other more needy. I let the needy one be needy! He's just an infant. Adapting a more flexible mindset and letting my twins develop their own personalities has really helped in transitioning to life with four kids.