Why Are We De-Gendering Everything?

I thought genders were socially constructed, until I became a parent. Why is society hell bent on de-gendering everything?!

 

In light of Target and bathrooms and people calling to de-gender everything, I need to comment - NOT on what bathroom people use (aren't we all tired of that?!) but on the topic of gender. Some of the most outrageous comments I've seen on the topic state that "gender is a social construction!" and "let's take all gender-specific things away entirely!" And honestly, I'm just sitting over here with a massive eye roll. It must be fun to be so opinionated without any experience on the actual differences in gender, huh? I'm betting none of the people with those strong opinions have children.

In college, I thought gender was taught too. And for some things (like masculinity and teaching boys not to be emotionally vulnerable) I think it still is. Blue for boys and pink for girls is clearly made up by us as a society. However, to say that gender is entirely a social construction is a complete load of crap. How do I know? I had children. And I see what they do, the way they act, and the toys they prefer first hand every day. And it's not just my children - it's my friends children too, all reinforcing the same principle.

Otto is a mere 5 months old, so he's too young to be a part of this conversation. Henry, on the other hand, is the perfect age to demonstrate that "gender preferences" are a REAL thing. We have tons of gender neutral toys (blocks, puzzles, books, etc) for him to play with. He loves them. He also has a baby doll and a colony of stuffed animals, traditionally bought for girls. He has cars, trucks, trains and balls, traditionally bought for boys. He has play dates with boys and girls his age.

At two years old, he doesn't yet understand that he's a boy. He's just starting to stare at me when I get dressed, noticing that I have parts he doesn't and he has parts I don't. He doesn't prefer to play with boys or girls yet - he's still an equal opportunity friend! And he certainly doesn't understand the concept of society, gender roles, transgender, or any other label currently trending - you know, all the "isms" people are talking about these days.

All that said, how do I know that boys and girls biologically have gender inscribed in them? I see it. Every day. Henry has ZERO desire to play with the dolls. When we have play dates at little girls' homes, he's not interested in dollhouses. He wants to play with the balls. He'll seek out the puzzles. If I'm sitting on the floor, he'll come to me to wrestle. He's got energy to get out! While the little girls will sit quietly and play (like I used to do when I was little), Henry is loud(er) and moving and active. I haven't "raised" him to be this way; it's just who he is. He's at the age where he will fearlessly be who he is naturally, all society standards aside.

Henry be like, "you gonna make me leave the house in pink?" #yup #realmenwearpink

A photo posted by Paige AnUncomplicatedLifeBlog (@anuncomplicatedlifeblog) on Feb 12, 2016 at 6:01am PST

Meanwhile the little girls we play with love to nurture their dolls. They sit and stroke their hair. It's precious! And just as soon as your heart melts, they're over their dolls and everyone is playing a game of tag together, running around the house or the pool deck like a pack of wild animals. Not all girls like to sit still for long, especially in Henry's age group! But, the fact of the matter is girls have estrogen. Estrogen promotes that nurturing side in a female, all societal construction of gender be damned! It's in their blood. Just like boys have testosterone. They biologically want to move and wiggle and make noise. So much noise...

It's not that I have a "more masculine" boy than anyone else. In fact, I'd say he's far more gentle and sensitive than the other boys we play with. He's fascinated by me breast feeding and pumping for his younger brother. He dances to the beat of my pump and one time got a hold of some pump parts, held them to his nipples and said, "Baby! Baby!" as if he could feed the baby too. This is to say that just because you have a boy doesn't mean he'll be a wild and loud creature, just like if you have a girl, she'll be a doll-loving quiet lady. Each child is different with different amounts of hormone and different genes.

I'm not going so far as to say if you have a girl she will be a doll-loving nurturer and if you have a boy, he'll be a truck racing wild thing! It's not black and white like that. It's a spectrum. As a female myself, I like to be physically active and run around - I don't want to sit quietly all day. My point is that there IS a difference. And that difference is ok. We should all accept it, and maybe even embrace it. Why are we spending so much time de-gendering everything? Why do we suddenly feel this need to force everyone to be the same?  

I see gender differences everyday in the play and preferences of my children, and others children. Which is why I don't understand this call to "de-gender" everything. Let boys be boys and girls be girls. And if Henry wants to pretend breastfeed, that's precious! And if his lady friends want to come over and race cars with us, that's fantastic! But don't pretend like gender doesn't exist, or that we can just "do away" with it. That's excessive. And it's nonsense.

Happy Memorial Day!

Taking the day to remember all those who have lost their lives serving our country today. Today is more than just a day off work, friends. Take a moment and reflect on all those who have served and thank those who have paid the ultimate price in that service.

Happy Memorial Day!

I Despise Summer Break

Summer break is every student and teacher's favorite time of the year, but for mom's and caregivers, it's the most dreaded and despised

May 16 was the last day of the school year for us. I've actually been thinking about that day since mid-January or so. Not with fondness, day dreaming and making summer plans. But with dread. I know everyone is excited for summer break and most people are making fun vacation plans. Heck, we even have travel plans even with two kids two and under! But I've been spending way too much time dreading the upcoming summer. Summer break just has a different ring to it when you're the caregiver/mom.

 One of my favorite rituals with Henry is driving him to school in the morning. He's SO EXCITED to go, he actually stands by the door to the garage. If I'm taking too long, he'll grab his backpack and do laps around the dining room table, too antsy with anticipation to sit still. It's adorable! Then on the drive, I listen to the most hysterical morning show and they play the "Mad Minute" - a prank call where one caller tries (successfully) to upset a friend or relative, and they get the DJ's in on it to make it convincing. I'm usually laughing so hard I have tears and Henry starts laughing hard because I am. Or he already has a developed sense of humor, who knows.

Then we get to school and Henry claps his hands in excitement. He sprints in the doors. He says hi to the school pet (a black bunny named Midnight) and doesn't even look back when I drop him off at his classroom. It's so fun to see him so excited about school. And just as fun? The car ride back home SOLO with the tunes cranked up. Or I go to a coffee shop to blog. Sometimes I go out to breakfast or lunch by myself. *Otto is with a nanny, in case you thought I just left him at home unattended*

Henry's school time is my sanity time. It's the only time of day I know for sure I can eat without interruption. It's the only time of day I get to go to the bathroom by myself. Sometimes, it's the only time of the week I can get a shower in. It's definitely the only time I can get a haircut or a pedicure.

That's why I absolutely despise summer break. Summer break robs me of my fun morning ritual, one of my favorite times with my son and usually the only time he and I spend one-on-one time together. If that wasn't bad enough, it robs me of my alone time. Blogging time. Eating time. Showering time.

My kiddos are standard, high energy boys. Which is perfect for me, because I hate sitting around, too! But in Texas in the summer, it's easily triple digit heat by 8 or 9am. So while other moms can plan fun outdoor activities, I'm stuck inside somewhere or said activity has to involve a pool or splash pad. So now we're talking ritual gone, sanity gone and I'm stuck trying to come up with activities for young boys to do to get their energy out! Gahhhh, summer break, you're the WORST!

Last year's 4th of July parade. It was 104 by 10am and we were all sweating buckets and rosy cheeked just sitting there!

I think that's actually the toughest part. The oppressive heat. When we lived in Minnesota, a sense of dread would come over me around my birthday - mid October - because I knew the never ending winter was upon us. It would be painful (no really. It's so cold up there it causes physical pain!) to go outside in anyway, to the point where you don't want to go anywhere, for any reason, ever. In Texas, I start to get that feeling deep in my gut around mid April, knowing the never ending heat is creeping in. I've just flipped seasons and problems. Except, I'll tell you what; it's not painful to step outside here. Just super sweaty. But, the principle is the same. Feeling trapped indoors, cabin fever, whatever you want to call it.

There wasn't really a point to this post beyond me sharing my frustration with summer break. I remember it as a kid and a teen. I worked at a community pool and thought it was the best time ever! But now as an adult, it's the pits. I despise summer break. Here's to hoping I don't go off the deep end with two kids, too few activities and far too much heat. Who's ready for fall with me?!