The family planning struggle of determining when you're done having more children
After we had Otto, we agreed to wait a full year before we even remotely discussed having more kids. We had two babies under two, and I knew that first year would just be about surviving. When that deadline approached, it just so happened that one of my dearest friends got engaged, and asked me to be in her wedding. I looked at my husband, and said, "No baby talk until after the wedding!" to which I think he was relieved. Her wedding is this coming weekend, and as far as I know, there's no more need to delay the conversation. What I'm stuck on is how do you know when you're done having babies? I honestly don't know how I feel about adding a third child to the mix.
I think about having a newborn again and shudder. Some moms love that phase, but I don't. I don't enjoy how needy they are, and waking up every few hours. They don't look at you and know that you're mommy, they just scream out in needs they can't communicate. It's easy when you only have one because you can rest when they rest, but now that I have two other toddlers, it will just be a sleep deprived nightmare! However... that's a relatively short period of time. I really start to enjoy the baby by about 6 months, when they can coo and laugh and sit up and play.
I look at how close Henry and Otto are and I have mixed feelings. Three is a crowd, as they say - will they welcome in another little person to their play group or will they pick on him and make him the odd one out? They're such friendly and loving kids, I have a hard time believing that they wouldn't welcome another playmate into their bond, but you never know. If I have a third boy, will he be able to keep up with brothers who are only 19 months apart while he's the youngest by almost three years? Don't even get me started on the people who tell me to have another baby to "try for a girl." You get what you get and just hope that everyone comes out healthy.
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| Think these two look friendly enough to add a third into their baby-thug-club? |
I think about my age. I'll be 33 next month. I had Otto when I was 31. It feels weird to be so young and to already be "done" having kids! I have a lot of fertile years left, right? It's 2017, I could get pregnant all the way until 40! Done at 31, what?! And only two kids... I had always envisioned myself with three. But that was before I had any children at all, and was oblivious to how much work they are.
Right as I decide, YES, I'm ready and want another baby, I think about something stupid like baby weight. Ughhhhh, it was so hard for me to lose the baby weight, and get my abs back. It's stupid to think about something so vain, but it is a thought that runs through my head. And then there's breastfeeding. Another ughhhh. Some women make a billion ounces of milk, but not me. It's a struggle to keep up. I have to go out of my way to eat when I'm not even hungry and constantly have a bottle of water at my side. I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate breastfeeding, but I definitely don't love it. And I may have danced a little jig the last time I BF'ed both Henry and Otto. Freedom!!
And every time I decide, NOPE, we're done having kids, I get a nagging feeling like our family isn't complete yet. We have enough money, we have a big enough house, we have enough love to add a third, so why wouldn't we? When I packed away Otto's baby clothes, I honestly didn't cry because I thought, "Meh, I'll be seeing these again!" But now I'm not so sure. My fear is if we do decide that we're done having babies, I'm going to wake up when I'm 38, 39, 40 and have huge regrets that we only had two kids. You know, right at the cusp of realistically not having the ability to get pregnant easily again, but with a 10 year age gap between our oldest and the desired baby. And my husband would be almost 50. I guarantee you he'd NOT want to start over at that age! He'd be 70, paying college tuition. Ha, no thanks.
That's where I'm at. It's like I'm at war with myself, changing my mind every other day on having another baby. On the one had, "starting over" with an infant seems DAUNTING. The sleepless nights, the postpartum hormones, breastfeeding - all of it, ughhhhhhh. Then on the other hand, being done so young with the ability to have more seems strange, and not quite right. Having a small family seems strange. It kind of seems like someone is missing from the family, but the thought of an infant is terrifying to me. It's just become easy with the two boys I have, and a baby would erase all that ease. I wish I could birth a 6 month old and just skip the newborn stage. That'd be the answer to my dilemma. Alas, science doesn't work that way. So I ask you, how do you know when you're done having babies? Help me. Please.
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