When Your Friend Isn't Whom You Thought She Was

If you've had a friendship go sour unexpectedly, this post is for you.

Friendships. They're some of the most important parts of our lives. Friends are there for you when you're down, they're there to consult with when you need someone to listen to you or give you advice, and they're right beside you to celebrate your successes when times are good. Or, at least, they should be. But sometimes, for whatever reason, friendships just don't work out. The friend you thought you had turned out to not be the woman (or man) you thought they were. Maybe you have a falling out or maybe she just falls off the face of the planet and never calls or texts you back. Maybe she doesn't show up for a planned hang out. Whatever the case, this post is all about when your friend isn't whom you thought she was.

My first experience with this was in high school. I was friendly, outgoing, had my own car and in my junior year, basically had my own house as my mom started to date her now husband and was constantly at his place, which was clear on the other side of town. Suddenly, I had people calling me to hang out all. the. time. Don't have any plans on a Friday night? Hey, let's go over to Paige's house! It was a blast. Until my mom found out, made me move an hour away from my high school, and sold the house. I commuted that hour to school every day for my senior year, but it was amazing how it was like I had fallen off a cliff to people. Oh, Paige no longer has a place for us all to hang? Meh. See I thought they were my friends, and some truly were, but most were just using me for a parent-free place to hang out, and when that went away, they went to leech off the next person who could offer them something.

As an adult, things got a little deeper. It isn't just about superficial friends who want a place to sneak alcohol or make out with their boyfriend. It's personal. 

One of the most shocking soured friendships I've had was an older work colleague of mine. I looked at her as a mentor. I first met her when I was an intern at my first job out of college. We took to each other right away! We'd grab coffee and talk about life and work and education. She wrote me an amazing letter of recommendation to get into grad school. She was the reason I got a promotion just 7 months after being hired full time. We stayed in touch casually even when I moved to the east coast, and then grabbed happy hours after I moved back to Minneapolis for a different job. When I moved to Texas for my fiance's job, things got weird. 

I remember there must have been a big storm that hit Minneapolis, and everyone took to Facebook to complain about it. It made me notice, people in Minnesota complain a lot. About a lot of things. I mentioned this realization on my personal Facebook account, and of course was met with equal amounts of people being amused and defensive. My mentor friend of close to 10 years took it to the next level. She wrote me a message of how entitled I was, and only cared about material things, and was basically a huge jerk. I had no idea where this came from! I was shocked. I was hurt. I thought we would be friends for life. Instead, I got a nasty message on Facebook and was defriended. I still haven't talked to this woman since. I still have no idea what that outburst was about. I now know it was more reflective of her, though. It wasn't about me. Outbursts like that are always about the person making them, not about you or even your friendship.

One of the most surprising times a friend wasn't whom I thought she was involved one of my first few friends made through blogging. We'd text each other regularly, bounce blogging ideas off each other, talk business opportunities, talk fashion and talk baby making. She was one of the first to know I was pregnant with Otto, and I sent her "baby dust" for over a year, as she and her husband were trying to get pregnant. 

We live half way across the country from each other, but there were two times we were in the same city - even at the same hotel - and never met up. Not because I didn't want to. Because she'd flake out. The first time was happenstance. I had accompanied my husband on a work trip and she was on her bachelorette. It just so happened that both were happening at the same hotel. Every time I texted her to meet up, she'd go radio silent. I wasn't that hurt over that first time. Heck, she was on her bachelorette and I had my own agenda with my husband and some of his colleague's wives. It didn't happen and I got over it immediately.

The second time, however, was absurd. A group of bloggers decided to all get together in her hometown. Another blogger and myself had to secure childcare, which meant our husbands had to take PTO in order for us to get some time away! Flights were bought. Pitches were made to local brands to get things for free. Plans were made. And yet again, she went totally radio silent. But not just when we were in town. Well before that. She stopped commenting on all our blogs and stopped engaging with us on Instagram. It was almost as soon as we had a group plan, she wasn't interested in us anymore.

One of the other bloggers called her out. Privately, in a group DM we had on Instagram. She basically said hey, if you're not interested in hanging out with us, that's fine, but please leave the group. We all flew to your city to hang out with you, and you stood us up. It was at that point that she went through and blocked this whole blogger group from all of her social media accounts. She and I were personal friends on Facebook, and she blocked me too. I get that some people aren't good at confrontation. But it was a shock to find out (while I was on a flight home, no less!) that instead of replying back or giving a reason for going MIA on all of us, her knee jerk reaction was to just block us all. That's what hurt: I was probably the one she was closest to in the group, and she didn't even reach out to me. She just outright blocked me. Turns out, she wasn't at all whom I thought she was.

Friends are going to come and go, and people are going to disappoint you in life. Sometimes you'll be able to let them go without any hurt feelings on your end. But sometimes, it's really going to sting that a friend you thought you knew well and cared for just wasn't the person you thought. The surprise will come out of left field and slap you in the face. My best advice is to let it. Be shocked. Let it sting. Then learn from it, and move on. It doesn't mean that ALL people aren't trustworthy and it doesn't mean that you won't make new friends. It just means that one friend wasn't whom you thought she was.

Meditation Tips and Easy Mantras

Meditation is essential for busy lives. Here's how to do it.

In early June, I had the privilege of flying out to Snowshoe, West Virginia, to go to Wanderlust with a few of my friends. I had never been to West Virginia before so that got crossed off the "visit all the states before I die" bucket list (only two left! Oregon and Arizona) and I got to practice yoga and take interesting classes on top of a mountain. Literally, we were on top of a mountain - the road to get there was a 11% grade and it was questionable if the car was even going to make it up the road for a bit! But we made it and it was beautiful and I ended up learning a bunch of things about yoga generally and myself personally. One of those things is the absolute necessity that meditation plays in busy (or even non busy) lives. So I've crafted some tips using some super easy mantras. Read on and get enlightened! Just kidding.

First, I think people get turned off by the word mantra. It's simply the Hindu word for "word." It's not some spell you're trying to cast, it's not something you're trying to conjure or manifest. It's simply something you repeat to help quiet the clutter in your mind. Without a mantra, its really easy to sit in silence and think about what you're making for supper or that deadline you're on. Maybe there's a bird chirping outside or you start to focus on how you're uncomfortable sitting cross-legged on the floor. 

But with a mantra, for have a word (or very short phrase) that you repeat in your mind to keep that clutter out. You repeat it over and over in a rhythmic fashion. Think about a heart beating or drums drumming and how rhythmic that is - that's what you're going for with a mantra. Long story long, there's nothing to be scared of with mantras!

Before I dish out some of my favorites, lets start with meditation 101. First, you want a quiet space. Remember that bird I mentioned? Yeah, that's a distraction that causes mental clutter. So try to find a nice quiet space where you can be alone for a few minutes. Start with 5 and build up from there. Trust me, your first time meditating for 5 minutes will feel like forever! But then you'll get in the habit of it and it will feel like just a few seconds. I like to set a timer on my phone so I don't have to keep checking the time - I can enter a meditation and be fully in it for whatever length of time I have set.

Once in a quiet space, sit upright. It doesn't have to be on the floor, although I like the floor. You can sit in a chair. Just make sure your shoulders are over your hips and your spine is straight. Why? Because you'll get so relaxed, it's very easy to fall asleep! This ensures that you'll stay with the meditation practice and not check out or drift off into slumber.

Your hands can be in your lap. They can face up or down. Whatever is most comfortable for you is what's best! Get situated, take a few deep breaths, and then start repeating one of these mantras that either resonates with you, or perhaps pick one that you feel like you even need most that day. Here are my favorites:

Love

Happy

Om

I am love

Radiate love

See how simple those are?! Mantas and meditating isn't scary and it isn't complicated. The word Om is what the Hindu's believed to be the sound the world made as it was created - it's a vibrating sound of creation, beginning and being. So nothing to be scared about there, either. Some days you might want a new beginning, other days you might need a reminder that you are love. Some people pick one and stick with it, but I like to change mine to reflect what I need in that moment that day.

That's it! Having a regular meditation practice, even if it's just twice a week, helps you focus, relax and quiet over-scheduled and too-busy minds. It creates time and space for you to just be present, to be in the moment. Not thinking about what you should be doing, or have yet to do on the day's to-do list. Just a few moments for you to be with yourself in peace and breathe calmly. It's truly amazing what a meditation practice and positive mantra will do in  and for your life.

Mason Jar Garden Luminary

Make these easy DIY  Mason Jar luminaries to light up your yard, courtyard or garden

I'll be honest with you: I think the whole Mason jar thing is way over done. There's Mason jar salads and overnight oats; Mason jar chandeliers, painted Mason jar lights, glitter dipped Mason jars... And on and on. Wait, I know what you're thinking! "So Paige, why are you adding to all this Mason jar noise that's already out there?" Ahh-ha! Because the actual function of the Mason jar LID works wonderfully for these garden luminaries. Read on to find out why and for the world's easiest way to make your yard, courtyard, deck, balcony or any outdoor (or indoor!) space you have a little brighter.

Yuck, that was cheesy but it literally came to me as I was writing that sentence. So I included it. And it even made it past the editing process. High standards here at An Uncomplicated Life Blog, eh?

Mmmmmk, back to the over done Mason jar DIY and why the lid is great for this particular idea. Real Mason jars have two parts to their lids; the screw on part and the flat part. If any of you crafting queens know any legit terminology for those parts, please enlighten me! For now, it's the circular screw on part and the flat part that's actually the lid. Anyway, this functionality works well for outdoor lighting because you can store them with the full lid on, and pop off the flat part when you want to light the candle and use the luminary. I like the look of the silver screw ring thingy attached, so I put that back on but you do you.

While the whole Mason jar thing is en vogue right now (thanks Joanna Gaines) most the crafts (outside of the food ones) discard the lid. But this one actually uses it, and it's two part design comes in kinda handy. Yay designs that last decades upon decades, right?!

Here's how I made these:

- 32 oz Mason jars. I like the big ones for outdoors, because we have a large courtyard to line them up along. As you can see, we also have a small(ish) 4 person table, and three of them fit nicely  on it, so this size even works for smaller spaces.

- Broken glass. Pick a color that works for your space. I liked how this color stood out against the green of our plants but didn't stick out so much that it was distracting (similar color here).

- Encased tea lights. If you don't get these, the wax will melt all over your glass and that's a bummer.

Fill Mason jars about 1/3 to halfway full with broken glass. Shake slightly to even it out. Place tea lights in and boom. You're done! You can store outside with the lid on (take the candle out - I had these in the Texas heat for an hour and the candles were all melted even though they weren't lit!) or you can store in a garage, shed or closet. If they get dirty or covered in pollen, dump the broken glass into a large bin of soapy water and wash the Mason jars in the dishwasher, then just reassemble after the glass has dried fully.

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Easy to make, easy storage, easy maintenance and easy to use. What's not to love about this Mason jar garden luminary?!