An Uncomplicated Life Blog

Thursday, October 19, 2017

What I Think When...

Unedited thoughts in real life situations

I wrote this post almost a year ago, and it exploded on the Internets. It was so fun to read people's comments about it my inner thoughts! Since some time has passed, there's been more real life moments that I have some real thoughts about. So friends, here's the second installment of What I Think When...

I hear Sam Smith's "Too good at goodbye's" on the radio:
Dude, get a f**king therapist! Get over your past bro. Stop whining about it and making yourself (and everyone else listening to the song) miserable. Ahhhh, stop it Sam, stop it! Ok, I'm turning the station now, I can't take your sh*t.

The face of a woman who's judging Sam Smith's emotional intelligence 

I drop Otto off at preschool, and *that one mom* beats me to the drop off door:
AHHHHHHHH DAMNIT WHYYYYYY! Kids you dragged your feet and now we're going to have to stand here while she tells the teacher every detail about her daughter, and hugs her and kisses her for a full five minutes which makes her daughter scream and cry which means Otto is going to cry. I want to punch this woman. Tomorrow, we're leaving five minutes earlier so we beat this chick to drop off. Most annoying mom in the world. Plus she's short. Why are short people SO ANNOYING? No, don't fix the bow in your daughter's hair, move out of the way! Your turn is done, like five minutes ago. You've created a line and every other parent is annoyed with you, bish get to steppin'.

(I've seen this woman for almost three years and we still don't say hi to each other so I'm more than sure my disdain for her shows on my face! Oops.)

I'm getting gas at the gas station:
Ok, which side of the car is the thingy on? Oh man, wrong side. Now I look like a dumb blonde. Ok, why isn't it reading my card?! Oh, oops I cancelled the transaction. Everyone is staring at you, stop being dumb Paige! Just put the pump in the car like a normal person. Why won't the pump go in the car? Is that man laughing at me? Ok, got it. Hopefully this is the hardest thing I have to do today, and the stupidest I look... Why did the gas stop after $7, my car was almost on empty? Ughhhhh gas stations I hate you!

I'm feeling a cold coming on:
Ok, which one of you rugrat kids got me sick?! Y'all use me as your personal Kleenex all day long so obvi this would happen. Nooooooo go away sickness!

These cuties will get you sick.

I'm the only mom in a mom group/at a play date who doesn't use her phone for her calender:
Yeah, I'm 33 going on 70 guys. I use a paper planner. It's color coded. *Lowers head in Type A shame* No, it's cool, I'll remember the next play date until I get home and write it in. Actually, I totally wont remember a date for that long, so I'll text you when I'm by my planner. Obnoxious, I know.

I've waited three weeks too long to get my hair done:
*Looks in mirror* Oh God, why?! Paige, go make the appointment. Go. Make. It. Right. Now. *Doesn't make appointment* PAIGE GO MAKE YOUR HAIR APPOINTMENT! Ugh, whatever, dry shampoo will lighten it up a bit.

I'm in a public restroom with my potty training three year old:
Please, Henry, just go potty. Just do it now. *Waits 10-15 minutes, attempts to keep Otto entertained* Henry: "Mommy, I POOPED!" Me: Looks around to see if there are any other feet in the stalls "Good job Henry!" But crap! I don't have any wipes and this public bathroom toilet paper is for sh*t. *Gets poop on hands* UGHHHHH why don't I keep wipes in my damn purse?! First thing I'm doing when I get home is putting some wipes in here *Forgets wipes upon getting home, repeats entire exchange on next outing*

That's a glimpse into my distorted mind, guys. Please tell me I'm not the only one who hates looking at her roots but struggles to actually make the hair appointment to get it colored?! No, just me? Awesome.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Total Lies Told To Me About Parenting

Every parent thinks they know best. These are the best lies I was told from other parents about parenting!

Just like every soon to be parent, I thought I knew exactly how things would go when my child was born. I thought I'd breastfeed for at least a year (hahahahaha) and I thought we'd co-sleep (aaaaahahahahaha hell no) and I thought a whole lot of things. In addition, I had people tell me a whole lot of things about my thoughts on parenting. These people could see my ignorance, and they also wanted to take out their own short comings on me. These, my friends, are the biggest "I told you so" parenting lies I was told!

Common myths and lies told to new parents about parenthood, babies, toddlers and children

"You'll end up letting your kids eat in the car."
I was adamant about never letting my kids eat in the car. Have you ever seen a car where the parents allow the kids to eat in the car seats?! It's a wreck. The car stinks. There's literally crap and food particles everywhere! I told all my friends and family that I'd never let my kids eat in the car, and they laughed at me. "Oh, just you wait!" they said with creepy glee, as if they were waiting for me to fail. Well wait on, jerkholes, because my kids still aren't allowed to have anything other than water in the car! Yup, I've made it 3 and a half years and there's no snacking in my car. See, I like nice cars. I drive a nice car. I like my nice car to actually be NICE. As in, clean, maintained, conditioned leather, washed, etc. And it is. What's the point of driving a luxury car if you treat it like crap?! Two kids later, and my car is still immaculate. We have snacks before we go places and I've actually taken food out of their hands and tossed it in the trash. My three year old will toss his own snacks because he knows there's no eating in the car! (I also don't eat in my car, ever, because you can't tell your kids not to do it then do it yourself.) So... That was a lie.

"You'll end up feeding your kids fast food."
Y'all know I don't do fast food. And by do, I mean eat it. I don't see a reason for it, honestly: Why can't you wait to get home to eat? Why can't you pack healthy snacks if you're going to be out and about for a while? Why don't you get healthy food at a sit down restaurant? This also plays into never eating in my car - we just don't eat and run or eat on the go. Ever. But when I told my friends and family that, they laughed. They said, "Oh just wait! You'll have a hungry kid and stop through a drive through!" Well, think again guys. Maybe I care too much what goes into my and my children's bodies, but I don't go to the drive thru. Like, ever. No eating in the car, and no fast food.

"You'll get your baby on a schedule, then have to break it because you want a life."
Now what is true is that I want a life... But what is not true is schedule breaking! Otto is the only napper left, so we do things in the morning before nap or in the afternoon after it. If we go out to eat, we go at 5pm so that we're home in time for a 7pm bedtime. We do NOT miss a nap and we don't do late bedtimes, ever! My kids (and me) are really into routines and while our daily activities change regularly, the structure of the schedule never does. When we do date nights we leave after 7pm (and are home well before 10pm, haha!) and if we go to a birthday party or some kind of daytime social event, it fits in with nap. Period. Why so crazy about the schedule? My kids walk themselves to bed at night and fall to sleep without issue. All I do to get Otto to nap is lay him in his crib and walk out. These kids know exactly when to sleep, thankyoubabyjesus.

"iPads will be your best friend when you have a toddler!"
NOPE. No. I've been against screen time since the beginning. My kids KNOW/were trained not to even touch my phone. In fact, Henry asks if he can carry it and put it in my purse and acts like it's a special treat when I say yes. We don't have the TV on until the 5:30 news and the boys get 20-30 minutes of a movie to watch as they drink a sippy of milk before bed. That's literally the extent of their screen time during the week. On weekends, Henry can play iPad games for an hour while Otto naps, and many times he plays with it for a half hour, then asks to go outside or simply puts it down to play with his real toys instead. I've been against over-stimulating musical/flashing light/noise making toys since day one. Personally I think it negatively impacts their social development, over stimulates them, and is bad for eye and brain health. So, ugh, yeah. I don't rely on screens, and that was a big ol' lie.

Why are these grown ups telling you all this rubbish, mommy?

Here's the thing about parenting: We all have our priorities. Some people will tell you total lies about YOUR parenting because you have different priorities. Clean car not your thing? Then you'll let your kids eat in it and it won't bother you. Healthy food not a major concern? Then you'll hit up the drive thru. Don't need good, consistent sleepers (and sleep yourself)? Then you'll throw off the schedule to attend that party or stay out late for a good supper. See what I mean? I'm sure I've told some mega lies about parenting to my own friends, because we prioritize differently.