An Uncomplicated Life Blog: The REAL Me

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Monday, June 13, 2016

The REAL Me

Bloggers usually only put their best foot forward. Here's the REAL me.

Oh hey, it's been a minute since I've done some quirky fact post. I love reading them on other sites! So I'm taking a step back (or down. Or down and back) to talk about some of the not so known, not so glamorous things about myself that you never see on my blog, or my Instagram, but quite possibly my snapchat... Let's begin, shall we? Here's the REAL me, including my favorite selfies off Instagram (because ummmmmm I really don't know how else to add pics to this post beyond snapping a whole bunch more selfies and I don't wanna wear makeup just for THAT):

- I honestly, truly, NEVER eat fast food.
I mean, mostly. Two exceptions: There's a burger joint in east Dallas called Jake's and Y'ALL. They have amazing poppy seed buns and even better? You can get a 6-pack with your order in the drive thru. Mind = blown. God Bless you, Texas. Two birds, meet your one stone...



Also, Chick-fil-a. Because I can't turn down a fried chicken sammy with pickles on it. And in Texas, the drive thru is two lanes at Chick-fil-a and it takes like 2 mins to go from the back of the line (which starts like a block away at lunch time) to having my fried chicken and pickles in my hand. Otto doesn't even have time to realize the car has stopped moving to begin screaming and that's about as amazing as the Miracle of Christmas.

Almost.

A photo posted by Paige AnUncomplicatedLifeBlog (@anuncomplicatedlifeblog) on

- I've never lost a bar fight.
Uhhhhh, yup, I've been in one. Three, actually. Don't let those spring ruffles fool you! Now don't get all hot in the face, I don't condone violence. But if you're drunk and making your drunk problems MY problems, we have a problem. The last one I was ever in I was 28 (marriage and mommy-dom has made me adult like an adulting champ, and no - it's not hard, despite what that stupid graphic tee shirt says). I was in Dewey Beach, DE. Random, no? Like, I forget that Delaware is even a state most days...

Anyway, I'm with the girls, listening to a band and a non-squad girl kept falling into me. She was trying to holler at this dude, or he was trying to holler at her or it was a mutual holler situation - it's hard to say. The first time she fell into me, I looked at her and waited for an apology I didn't get. The second time, I said, "Excuse you." The third, I turned around and said, "I think you've had too many Orange Crushes, sweetheart" to which her reply contained a four letter word and a very slow, very poor attempt at a swing. I stood about a foot taller than her, so I held my hand on her forehead and waited for the punch from her stubby arm that never reached me. Then I pushed her away from me... And I either have superhuman strength (possible) or she was like a drunk, stumbling Bambi (probable), but y'all that girl flew like 5 feet. To which holler-dude laughed (rude) and my squad and I relocated to avoid further altercations with Drunk Bambi.

Moral? If you're only 5 feet tall and it's really questionable how you got into the bar in the first place, don't step to a woman who's got a foot on you and is on her first drink. Respect your elders. And pro-tip: switch to water at that point. Tomorrow won't be kind to you.

A photo posted by Paige AnUncomplicatedLifeBlog (@anuncomplicatedlifeblog) on


- I truly only do shower twice to three times a week. And I take 4-5 yoga classes. You do the math.
Yeah, I'm usually pretty gross. Sometimes I check my underarms to see if it'll pass enough to be sleeveless in yoga... Don't act like you've never done it! Oh, wait, you really haven't? Just me? Oh well. At least I care enough to look, right!? Right? No? Hmmmm. Anyway, I was flawless before kids! Makeup everyday, hair curled, heels on. I don't know where that Paige went but I think my husband sent out a search party for her. I hear she'll consider a comeback with a full time nanny, so I just need to pass that info along to the search team to consider for all the "Reward! Lost fugitive wife!" signs in our neighborhood.

Just kidding, I'm not a fugitive. But I do have unpaid tolls in Oklahoma (WHY DO THEIR TOLLS ONLY ALLOW FOR EXACT CHANGE/CASH AIN'T NOBODY GOT 85 CENTS ON THEM AT LEAST MAKE IT 75 CENTS BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE THREE QUARTERS BUT PROBABLY NOT ALSO IF YOU REALLY WANT 85 CENTS PUT A GATE WITH AN ARM TO STOP MY CAR BECAUSE I ACCELERATED STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT LIKE BYE FELICIA WITH YOUR STUPID COIN DROP TOLL HONOR SYSTEM FROM 1961 I HAVE NO HONOR BUT MOSTLY I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE) Maybe there really is a warrant for my arrest there. Long hair, Oklahoma, nope don't care.

Except I do kinda care.  Kinda. Sorry about that 85 cents you never got, Oklahoma.

And that's the REAL me, friends. I'll stop while I'm ahead, if you're still reading this, so I can slowly trickle out more realness in a future post. Which based on my last one, might be a full year from now... Unless some really good realness happens that I just can't wait to overshare with you!

26 comments:

  1. Hahahaha I LOVED this!!! The bar fight, the Oklhoma tolls...freaking hilarious!! Can't wait for the next realness post already :)

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  2. HAHAHAHAHA. You inspired me to do a post like this soon.

    I can totally see you putting your hand up to that girl's head to keep her away. I can imagine you sipping on a drink while she tries to wail on you. :P

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  3. BAHAHAHAHA! This is so fun! Read it on my lunch. Can you come out to London and can we go out?! ALSO, did you see my snaps from Chick-fil-a? I literally only will eat Chick-fil-a, no other fast food. I order a #1 with 2 buffalo sauces and 1 polynesian sauce... in case you want to send me a care package haha

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  4. Ok you are a hoot! I can just see a short girl going for a talk gal like you, and being like hmm, so not going to happen shortie!

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  5. hahaha LOVE this! These are the best post, I love real people. We could TOTALLY hang. Especially on your shower habits...preach girl! Who has time to shower everyday?!
    Linds @ Not A Mom

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  6. Like Jaelan I can totally picture you with your hand on that chicks head token her away.
    Love these types of posts. It's fun to share and fun for us to read.

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  7. I absolutely can believe that you've been in a bar fight and I can absolutely see you putting your hand on her forehead - why wouldn't you LOL! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

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  8. Love. It. LOL!
    Girl, you need a dash cam. Or here's an idea: a GPS a la Paige. Lol
    Can you email me your snapchat?

    xoxo

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  9. I can picture you trying to put someone in their place if they piss you off lol I've been in two bar fights, not my proudest moments but when I get pissed, I'm pissed. lol

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  10. This is too funny! Glad I'm not the only gross one in yoga pants (and I don't do Yoga) out there!

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  11. Hahahaha! This is fantastic! Thanks for the laugh - I needed that. And seriously Drunk Bambi - switch to water, you're done! :)

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  12. I'm with ya on the Chick-fi-a thing. All other fast food is pretty gross (except In n Out!). :)

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  13. I couldn't agree more! Your post cracked me up--I appreciate the laugh!

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  14. there are some definite benefits to being tall. i've only ever been in one, but it was with a guy. i didn't win, but i didn't lose either haha. mmm Chick-fil-a.... yum.

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  15. This is too funny! I can't picture you in a bar fight!

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  16. TOOO funny! I love 'real' posts. We're all so funny and quirky, but when it comes to social media we only want to put our best foot forward. Who's to say our best foot isn't out quirky one, too? Can't wait to see your next one! :P

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  17. Thanks for the laugh Paige. I love posts like these too!

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  18. Hahaha!!! This was hysterical and yet I can relate on so many levels!!! Such a fun read thanks for sharing the real you!!!!

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  19. OMG THIS IS GOLD!!!!! I loved reading this. Especially the bar fight part LOL. Can't believe you only shower 2-3 times a week! I think you look flawless !

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  20. Oh, Paige, what a fun, refreshing post. I have also been in a few bar fights in my days - let's just say, don't mess with the people I love. I got into fights over my dad, sister, and then boyfriend now husband. You were flawless pre-kids and you are flawless now ; )

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  21. This was such a fun post!! I think it really helps to connect with readers. I might do something like this. :D

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  22. I had to reread that last paragraph seriously 3 times in a row because I was cracking up so much I couldn't get through it. These are definitely some of my favorite posts from you ;)

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  23. LOL, this was so great. I loved it!!! I think if we lived a lot closer to each other we would be friend! Love, love, love this! Thank you for sharing this, it was a perfect start to my day!!!

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  24. I'm in San Antonio and the chick-fil a lines are ridiculous. It's almost always quicker to just go inside. You're scrappy lady did not imagine you bar fighting but I get what you mean about making their problems your problems.

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  25. Haha! This was the best! You in a bar fight...awesome and hilarious! And hallelujah Chick-fil-a! I might be obsessed with the Frosted Coffee and Frosted Lemonade right now.

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