An Uncomplicated Life Blog: Mean Girls And Fake Friends

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Mean Girls And Fake Friends

If you've ever suffered through a mean girl or a fake friend, you need to read this! Helpful hints in identifying and processing friendships gone sour


In full disclosure, I'm seriously one of the lucky ones. I run a tight ship. I don't let people into my inner circle easily. While I'm an extrovert and have many friends, I have a few who actually, truly know me as a person. These are my *real* friends, and it takes a long time to get to that level. Even with all that, I've been deeply disappointed with some friends, even as an adult. I've been burned. I've been left, sometimes in another city after traveling there to see someone, thinking, what the hell?! I've gotten hurtful messages and I've had difficult conversations with friends. But there's a difference: you can have a hard conversation or a rough patch. That's one thing. Maybe you even go a long time without talking, that's ok too. But sometimes, even if you're super careful, you've let a mean girl or even an all out fake friend into your life. Here's what I'm talking about.

The gal in this photo is the very LAST thing from a fake friend - she's one of my bestest! But I had to use a photo I had the rights to so... Oh, making a living on the internet!

It's so *funny* (hahaha, not actually laughing...) to me, because you think as an adult, you've outgrown this and moved past this type of behavior. You think, no way! We're all grown women, we're all over this stage of our lives! I mean, Junior High was a long time ago, right? We've all emotionally matured since then, yeah? But I'm here to tell you, this is absolutely not true. You WILL experience this as an adult, and you WILL be let down, and you WILL be baffled at the actions/responses/reactions/words of grown women.

Mean girls are fairly easy to spot, although it is less obvious than you'd think. She's usually the one who won't let you finish a sentence before she starts talking about herself, her family or her situation. The conversation is usually dominated by her. That's a narcissistic mean girl. Everything quickly circles back around to her because she doesn't care about you or your situation, and certainly doesn't want to waste her time listening to you when she could be talking about herself. These women are always late too, because everything runs on HER time. Your schedule and your needs don't even register to her, you're of that little importance.
Another sign of a mean girl is someone who always has to "one up" you. "Oh, think THAT'S bad, wait until you hear this!" Or maybe you got a new car, but low and behold, she just bought one that's bigger/better/more expensive. She's the type of person who would announce her pregnancy at your child's birthday party. She feels the need to make sure everyone knows she's doing juuuuuust a little bit better than everyone else.

The obvious sign of a mean girl is someone who always has mean things to say about everyone. Now, mean things and criticism are two different things! I think one can criticize without being mean. I'm talking outright mean things, like commenting on someone's weight, or appearance, in a mean way. Maybe she consistently has mean things to say about another woman's marriage or how she raises her children. She's constantly snarky. But the thing here is, she's pointing out everything negative about everyone else because she's feeling negative about herself.

I think that's the thing about mean girls that makes me feel some compassion towards her. Whenever someone is mean towards someone, it's usually reflective of how she's feeling about herself. And if you take what that mean girl is saying and apply it to her, that's a pretty brutal life to live. So while their words may sting and hurt people, I do feel sorry for mean girls. It's the fake friends that I just absolutely cannot tolerate. There is no excuse for being a fake friend.

What's a fake friend look like? She's usually harder to spot than a mean girl, because she's sneaky. But there are several really good indicators I've learned to watch for. First, she'll never confront you about anything. Now, plenty of people hate confrontation! And that's ok, although I'm certainly not one of them. But she never brings any issues up with you that involve you. If you never hear directly from her that you did something that hurt her or offended her or simply disappointed her, she's probably a fake friend. REAL friends can say, "Hey, when you sent that text, it hurt my feelings" or "I don't know why you laughed when I shared that - it really offended me" or something along those lines. Nobody is perfect and in a friendship, mistakes are going to be made. But when you never hear this type of feedback, it's either because she doesn't care enough to invest the time in the friendship or she's telling everyone else BUT you about you. The former is a fake friend, the latter is a fake and emotionally immature friend.

Other signs of a fake friend? She has motivations outside of friendship. Maybe she's trying to sell you something. Maybe she wants to buy something from you, or access some of your friends/connections for her own gain (financial or otherwise). However you want to slice it, she's not there for YOU, she's there for what you offer HER.

Got a friend who constantly posts stuff like this? She's probably immature and can't handle adult conversations or feelings

Another great sign of a potential fake friend? One that posts those Facebook memes about fake friends and "toxic" people. You know, the ones that simply say, "if you're toxic, I'm cutting you out of my life" or some such nonsense. Ooookkkkkurrr. That just means you're not adult enough to have a frank conversation with your friend, or you're a mean girl who really didn't care to begin with, or you haven't emotionally matured enough to be able to manage those conversations.These women are "cut and run" type girls. They're really quick to call other's out and end the relationship, when in reality, THEY'RE the ones who can't manage their emotions or their expectations of the relationship.

In fact, the last type of fake friend is what's prompted me to write this post. I had no idea things had gone south in our relationship. I had no idea things were in a bad place, from her perception, for our relationship. All of a sudden, I stopped hearing from her. I reached out a few times, and nada. Then I finally got a response back, it was clear she had/has no intentions of rekindling our friendship. She also had no intentions of telling me what I did that bothered her - and that's the part that gets me riled up. That's not only disrespectful to what was our friendship and to me personally, it's an immature response. I personally value her more than that, and I would certainly respect her enough to tell her what she did that bothered me. But I guess I was off in la-la land and accidentally made a fake friend, because if she really cared about me or the friendship, we'd be having a conversation right now instead of me typing up a blog post about it.

Here's another mind blowing fact (yes, fact) about mean girls and fake friends: the odds are really good that someone has thought YOU were one of these people, too. I'm sure the friend I referenced above thought/thinks I'm a mean girl or a "toxic person." That's the funny thing about human relationships - there's no ONE truth or reality. It's your interpretation vs. your intention mixed with their interpretation vs. intention. While it's easy for me to sit here and write about "other" friends, I'm not so naive to think that people haven't had some of these exact same thoughts about me before.

Even though we think we outgrow high school and emotionally mature as women, mean girls and fake friends can easily creep into your life. I try to vet people fully before they come into my inner circle, yet here I am still bummed out and mourning the fake friendship I once thought was real. Mean girls and fake friends can still manipulate their way into your life! Here's the most important thing I want you to take away from this post: their behavior says nothing about YOU as a person or friend, and everything about THEM. It reflects on their insecurities and their emotional maturity, not yours. Don't let them bring you down to their level! You're worth more than that. Take a deep breath, and let those mean girls and fake friends go.

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