An Uncomplicated Life Blog: A Comical Look Back

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A Comical Look Back

As this pregnancy thing draws to a close, I thought I would take a moment to reflect.

Don't worry, I'm not going to use this post as my personal journal and get all deep-thoughts on you. I'll just take a moment to dispel some promises and myths I was told about pregnancy that turned out to be COMPLETELY false (for me, at least... And we're all a wee bit different and special).

I found that women, especially other mamas, looooooved to tell me how "everything was going to be" with a lot of "just wait until ____ happens!" or "ohmygosh, you're going to need _____!" While I appreciate the well intentioned advice and forewarning of what was {supposed} to come, these are the top five biggest... Hmmm, what should I call them? Myths? Lies? Things that never ended up happening for me/this pregnancy? Ah well, you get what I'm saying!

And with that said, let's jump in!

1. Maternity jeans are the BEST!
I never fell in love with full panel maternity jeans. I even bought designer label ones so I knew I was getting "the best of the best" as it were... NOPE. Not even a little bit. At a full nine months pregs, they STILL slide down my rump when I sit down, the panel is STILL itchier than hell, I feel like a two year old with these "pull up" pants (please give me my fly and button back!) and I basically feel like I'm wearing pantyhose over my belly. Demi panel is the business, ladies. Full panel is for the birds.

(FYI, I wiped this mirror down THREE TIMES before taking these shots... I'm convinced I'm either surrounded by spirit orbs, or the "fuzz" is in the silver of the mirror and not the glass. Maybe both).

Boo, full pannel! Boo!
Demi panel FTW!

2. High(er)-end maternity clothes are unnecessary!
Target Maternity is garbage. I don't know who these clothes fit, but the size small is STILL too big for me at full-term. After one wash, the rouching on this shirt stretched out, and looks stupid. Invest a little cash into some higher quality clothes, girls. You won't be disappointed.

Nine months pregnant. Limp Target Maternity. Size small on a 5'10 frame. Dumb. On the plus side, the hanging fabric makes me look "thin" and I'll take that right about now!

3. Just you wait for those pregnancy cravings, your health food will go out the window!
I still don't understand people with pregnancy food cravings. I believe you have them! I just don't get it. My husband and I were SO looking forward to the day when all I would want is ice cream topped with fried chicken and a side of peanut butter... But, alas, it never happened. The best I had was a few strong desires to eat fruit... Just L-I-V-I-N on the wild side over here!

4.There's a natural health remedy for everything, don't medicate while pregnant!
Papaya does NOT work to cure preggo heartburn. Holistic and natural health, I love you and will always try you first, but that's a friggin joke. Unless it comes in a blue capped bottle and says "TUMS Extra 1000" on it, and you take twice to thrice the recommended dose, it ain't curing what burns you.

5. Your hair is going to be so pretty while you're pregnant!
My hair never got fuller, thicker and more luxurious. High-five if that happened for you, but man! Was that ever a let down over here. I'm told (potentially yet another lie) that if your hair never gets super thick while pregnant, it won't fall out like crazy after you give birth. Here's to hoping at least THAT holds true... Or I will have nothing left. Seriously, nothing.

Who got full, thick hair?! Not this girl! This was after drying upside down, curling it and giving it a little tease/backcomb... Sadface.
I could regale you with more tall tales I was told about pregnancy, but I think that shall suffice for now. Again, these are just my opinions and what I found to be true. I'm sure your experience has been or was very different! Or not, and these are just universal lies we're told about being pregnant. Who knows!

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