An Uncomplicated Life Blog: Why Your Mom Friend Is Choosing to Hang Out With Other Moms Over You

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Monday, April 6, 2015

Why Your Mom Friend Is Choosing to Hang Out With Other Moms Over You

This next sentence is going to ruffle some feathers. (And I'm not sorry about it.) If you aren't a mom, your mom friends are choosing not to hang out with you.

Yes, you read that right. Have I made my non-mom readers mad? Let me explain.



Going out with a baby is hard. It used to take me 20 minutes to leave the house. Now I need at least an hour, more like two if I'm going to go anywhere for any length of time. So those last minute texts to meet up from out non-mom friends? They aren't happening. In fact, we feel guilty about saying no and sometimes even frustrated/angry that you, dear non-mom friend, think we could pull that kind of feat off. Also? We really, really want to be there. Those last minute "let's hang out!" texts are a brutal reminder of a life we wont have again for 15 or so more years.

Let's say you do give us proper warning for a hang out. We're so excited to see you! But dangit, our baby is teething and consistently interrupts our conversation. You don't know if you should stop talking or speak over the screams. It's awkward. We moms are only listening to you with one ear. The rest of our concentration is going to getting this infant to stop making ALL THE NOISE and the rest? Well, we're scanning the restaurant to see how many people we're pissing off, and at what point we need to bail to keep from getting food thrown at us.

When *this face* appears, your quiet baby time is limited. Or, just over.


When we go out with other moms, it's like magic. Other mom's know when baby reaches *that octave* and she should stop talking. She usually pitches in at the first sign of baby-distress with a toy from her diaper bag or even a piece of her sandwich to keep the baby happy. If the fussing is so bad that we have to leave, she gets it. It's nothing personal, she's not overly disappointed, we just reschedule for a better day.

It comes down to this: our fellow mom friends spring into action. They're "do-ers" and damn, that's so helpful! Our non-mom friends ask questions. "Do you want some help?" We can tell that you don't really want to, or don't know how to, or are just trying to be nice, or maybe all three of those. But our mom friends? They know we need help, they know how to help us and they'll do it no matter what the task. Baby blew out her diaper? Our mom friends already have the wipes out and grab the dirty clothes (yes, they grab the poopy clothes) to be put in a plastic bag for later cleaning.

I mean, hey. It takes a village.

Non-mom friends, we moms do indeed love you. Love you. One day, when all of this passes, we'll be able to go out with you again. We can talk about fashion and we'll actually be able to contribute to the conversation. One day. But for now, we need our mom-friends on all sides of us to push us through the work of raising young children.



14 comments:

  1. I really liked this post-even as one of your non-mom friends.
    I think the most important thing is to just open up a dialogue so that both sides know what's going on--and that's what you've done.
    Plus, it's going to be mighty nice when this non-mom finally has a babe... because you are a wealth of knowledge.

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  2. aw sad face. i only really have one mom friend and we hang out all the time. I may not know what to do, but i don't expect her to come to a restaurant at the drop of a hat with her baby. I know some people who do expect that, and it's not realistic. Instead, we go to her house, or mine. Or we go to a restaurant alone (planned a month in advance!). I love her baby and always want her to bring him but she prefers her alone time sometimes. though i understand this post, and agree. moms understand other moms, and i'm not one.

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  3. Mom friends just get it because they are going through the same thing as you. It can be so encouraging to be around friends who truly understand. Also, when we go eat with my non-mom friends, they get so embarrassed if my one-year-old throws his sippy cup or is too loud. I guess I'm just used to it, but when I go out with mom friends, we just keep talking like nothing happened. haha

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  4. I dont have any mom friends that live in Boston - all of them are back home so when I go back to visit they make time and bring their sweet babies and I love catching up, but I could totally see it happening like that once my friends up here start having babies!! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

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  5. Can totally relate!! Before baby I needed a good one to two day warning before a hang out, these days I need a good WEEK to TWO Warning! Hahahah

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  6. I love hanging out with my mama friends and their babies! Probably because I want to kiss and hug them the WHOLE time (and they usually let me). Whether they want to hang out with me is another story. Haha! I do try to be as helpful as possible and hold the baby while she eats or goes off to shop by herself for a few minutes. I am not at all bothered by diaper changes, spit up, etc. Maybe because I'm an aunt? I do try to let them call the shots on if/when we hang out. I know it's not easy to get out with a little one, so if I get a call to grab lunch with a friend and her baby, I take it, and I totally understand if I ask and it's a 'no'. I know I'll catch her next time... =)

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  7. I agree with this. It is a choice to keep all relationships strong after having a baby. I feel like keeping any kind of friendships going, with kids or without can be a struggle. Once the kids get older, mine are 7, 5 and 3. Unless our kids are in the same school or after school activities it can be hard to even plan time together. Gone are the days of my schedule being mine alone.

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  8. Having raised my kids and now trying to find non mom friends again, I can relate both ways.
    Though now that I'm the 'done' mom.. I still tend to lean towards the moms to help them and encourage them still!

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  9. Yes! Keeping friendships going when you have kids takes work, and that's even when everyone has kids. You just get busy. I have very few non-mom friends left, but yes, it can just be awkward at times when baby is acting up.

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  10. I think any friendship takes effort and if you want to maintain an active relationship with a non-mom, you'll just have to be intentional about doing so. And, lots of non moms are cool with kids and will make an effort to overcome any glitches in the coffee date.

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  11. Love this. Being in my early 20s, and pregnant with our first baby, I'm the first one out of any of my friends to become a mom. They seem to think I still will go out to bars and stay out with them until 4am because she's not born yet.. or them wanting to hang out means meeting up at 11pm. I tried to see them during the 2nd trimester as much as I could.. but it's just way too weird being out around a bunch of drunk people with an 8-month pregnant belly haha. Needless to say, I'm searching for mom friends now =)

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  12. My mom friends are all home in Richmond and they keep it real with me - we are NOT leaving the house. If I want to have time with my best friend then I can go to them. I get it too- I mean I get embarrassed when my dogs bark on walks, I can't imagine how I would be if I had an angry baby!

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  13. I felt like I could never finish a sentence, much less have a conversation when my kids were little. Especially during the toddler days. I can so relate to the challenge of spending needed time with friends in this season of life! Visiting from Faith and Fellowship.

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