Dallas Driving Tips

You probably read that title and thought, "Uhhhh... So Dallas is in the U.S. and we all go to driving school... What exactly about that requires further tips?"

Oh, my dear friends. You are so very, very wrong.

Driving in Dallas is very much like driving in a third world country. We don't follow any typical driving rules. Hell, I've come to learn and accept that nobody in the state of Texas has taken Drivers Ed, nor taken and passed a legitimate driving test to obtain a license. It's (apparently) not the Texas way.

Any of the traditional rules of the road that apply in all other 49 states absolutely DO NOT apply in Dallas. Fear not! I've come to decipher the few meager rules that do apply in the Big D (short for Big Douchebag Drivers) and will share them for your amusement or necessity should you be planning a trip here soon.

Dallas Driving Tips:

1) Forget standard "right of way" rules. You yield to the larger vehicle. For example, I drive a mid sized SUV. Therefore, I get the f**k out of any trucks way, and all Toyota Prius' better get the f**k out of my way. Any pickup truck will NOT brake or yield to you. Period. So steer clear. Especially if you're in a Prius.

2) Do not, for any reason, brake for a yellow light. You WILL get rear ended. You punch the gas and go through it! If you're the first one at the red light, count to five after the light changes AND look both ways before going. Odds are 99.9847% no fewer than three cars will run that light, so unless you're looking to get t-boned, proceed after a few seconds of green.

3) MINIMUM acceptable speed on the freeway/interstate is 80mph. DO NOT go slower than this and DO NOT pay attention to posted speeds. They don't matter. Dallas PD is fighting legitimate crime, not posting up speed traps, so it's all good. Use that accelerator and use it liberally. If you want to chug along at 60mph, drive on the frontage road. That's where that speed is acceptable and used.

4) This is NOT a "no fault" state for insurance, so watch out for that hooptie ride. If it's 109 out and it's windows are rolled down (no working AC in the car), it's got four rims and a hubcap, there's a self-applied window tint job and the paint is peeling, odds are 99.984% that THAT person doesn't carry insurance and gives zero s**ts about it. Steer clear of this person, because if they hit you, you're the one who's outta luck, not them. Treat them like a pickup truck and yield, yield, yield!

5) When exiting the freeway, do not brake for cars in other lanes you may need to merge over to in order to exit. Braking causes traffic and really gets people mad here. If there's a tricky traffic situation and your exit is coming up, punch the gas and pass the hell out of people to the left, then cut over the three to six lanes to get to the exit. No need to signal, everyone is on their phone anyway and not watching your crazy lane changing. This keeps traffic flowing freely, at 80mph or above, and everyone stays happy. Remember, this is Texas and people are packing heat. You don't want to upset anyone, especially with your damn brake lights.

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That's the quick-notes on driving successfully in Dallas! My mom has taken to holding on and covering her eyes when she visits. Most of our other out-of-town guests refuse to drive here. I white-knuckled it for the first six months, but now the daily "Super Mario Bros" driving game is second nature to me.

Welcome to Dallas!