An Uncomplicated Life Blog: Mommy Monday: "Having It All" Is Bull$h*t

Monday, March 16, 2015

Mommy Monday: "Having It All" Is Bull$h*t

Recently, tons of travel opportunities have come up for me. Some of which are quick, easy day trips (Jaelan and I are doing one of these this week!) and some are expensive dream trips. You know, like to travel with the girls to the wine region of France.

If I were still single, or even just married without a baby, all of these options would be no-brainers. The biggest hurdle for me to jump would be "how much PTO do I have and can I squeeze all my travel in?! Will my boss let me have these exact days off?"

As a mom, it's quite different. First, there's the internal conversation you have with yourself - you have a big guilt battle to fight. After you've won (a fight with yourself, I might add) you start the external conversation with your husband. "So... I have this opportunity to go to {fill in the blank city} with the girls. What do you think about that? What's your work schedule like? Are you in town those days? Can we make that work?"

As a SAHM, it becomes a greater challenge, a tougher conversation. Who will watch the baby? Will my husband take his precious PTO days to stay home and watch the baby so that I can travel? How is that fair - or even reasonable? What's my budget for the trip? And who the heck is my husband to tell me what I can and can't spend on a trip?!

See the complexity?

Here's more complication: How do I book travel months in advance when we want to expand our family? How do I know that I won't be pregnant by then? Because let me tell you what is NOT happening: being pregnant while traveling in the wine region of France! So do I become more selfish if I ask my working husband to stay home with the baby, while I spend all our money traveling AND tell him our family planning is now delayed by at least six months?

I've seen a few bullshit articles floating around the internet about how to "have it all" as a mom. I'm here to tell you that's complete crap. You can't. By having a family, you make sacrifices. It's not all about you anymore. It's not all about your PTO schedule, or about your girlfriends' travel plans you want in on, or the restaurant you want to go check out, or simply getting out of the house by yourself for some alone time.

As a mom, making the baby falls on you, and that's a year-long commitment (ooook, it's 40 weeks, but that's close enough for me). As a mom, many of the childcare tasks fall on you (I've never seen a man breastfeed...) and that's a hefty commitment. That's biology. That's life.

You can't "have it all." You can't do everything that you want to do. It's no longer just about you, so inherently "having it all" goes straight out the window. You can be mad about it. I was mad for a good while recently.

And then my husband made breakfast for us, after letting me sleep in until 9am. We all sat together at the table and ate. Henry sipped from a real glass and looked proud of himself. And I realized that while I don't "have it all" I certainly have everything I could hope for. That's more than everything I could ever want. And far more important that "having it all."


  1. You are 100% correct my friend! I have mommy guilt all the time and that is only when I am leaving him with someone for a couple of hours. As you have said, I wouldn't change any of it and I can't imagine choosing my life to play out any differently.

  2. I love how you ended this post - that you might not have it all, but you have what is important to you! I know that my sister struggles with exactly what you are writing about - being present in her career and being a wonderful mother to her three children (which she is) and being a great's all like basketball...balls just flying everywhere and you're hoping you can catch them all...does that even make sense LOL! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

  3. I love how honest you are. Seriously... in my ongoing list titled "Why I'm so glad Paige is my friend" honesty is like top 3.

    And I'm really excited to see you Thursday. :D

  4. I seriously wish more people got this about being a parent. It doesn't mean your life is over, but it does mean that your priorities and the way you live your life have to change. Not that I'm a mom but I've always thought that people who act like having a child isn't a radical life change are delusional. As always, thanks for keeping it real ;)

  5. Once again you prove why you are as real as it comes. Life is not all butterflies and rainbows. Those are serious concerns and questions and at the end of the day......being the mom it all falls back onto you. You are so lucky that you have an amazing husband!!! Sleep until 9! The best! However there are huge sacrifices you make when starting a family and the fact you talk about it and acknowledge it is why I will always be coming to you for all those questions in the future! xoxoxoxo

  6. Love how honest you are girl, and this is precisely why i want to 'have it all' before we have kids. i want to travel and do all these things, and people are like 'you can travel with kids!' and that might be true, but i doubt it for us. i am not ready to make those sacrifices yet, but when i do, i'll be content (ish) with knowing i did all i could do beforehand, and am enjoying the new way of life. if that makes sense.

  7. Love this post! Having it all isn't a really attainable thing in life, but being aware of the good things in our life is so much better than having it all anyways!

  8. YESSSSSSS!!!!! I could add like 100 more S's in there, but you get the point. You can't have it all. And you are so right, it sucks sometimes but such is life. Great post lady!

  9. I love this post so much. I find even my friends don't get it sometimes - especially the ones without kids. My friends constantly call or text when they are in the area like lets grab lunch/drinks.. and im like, sorry did you forget Im busy with my baby. Im lucky my husband provides constant reassurance about how our lives have changed, as the other day I was looking at the Squamish Fest music line up - and hes like... but we have a baby. If Nick wanted to live our old life, Id literally be pulling my hair out. But instead, Im blessed with a new life and a wonderful family.

  10. I completely agree with you, and it is so difficult putting yourself and your needs last all the time, but it is the way it goes, especially when they are small. Friends without kids don't understand why you can't commit to a week at a festival anymore and sometimes even just getting a night out with your partner is tough. Worth it to have kids but better if we stop trying so hard to act like our life hasn't changed, when it has xx

  11. All so very true and a timely reminder for me. I'm usually a firm believer that you can have it all - just not all at the same time. I seem to have forgotten that recently and over stretched myself. Reigning mself back in a bit whilst still planning for the future is making me feel more balanced.

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